Oh, if he had never smiled

Oh, if he had never smiled

There was something once about the way he'd smile
I see it now only from the side
Side by side we used to stand
Defending our position against the world
Now the world is ignored
As we stand against each other.

But the smile I remember it
Amid thoughful things said and thoughtful things done
Once I basked in that smile now given to others
Now I wait and look and find it naught
Did you turn or I take flight first
And why won't you face me but to disapprove?

Once you smiled upon me
And we agreed on separate lives together
Independent souls in common nest
Nest feathered with books and pictures and photographs
Peopled with dogs and cats and friends of note
And you now say you've that enough
And I say I will go
But how to separate what must go and what must stay.

How does one divide the memories and those smiles
Once coming in seemed to make going so easy
And now that the time is here I don't know where to start
Or just where to go
For one smile I would stay
But you've given all them away.

But how do you separate nine years
Divide the delta of a river of silt
Nine years of memories and dreams and smiles
Does one lodge a custody battle over dead hopes and aspirations
And what is the saddest thing
Is going has made me wish I had never come
That you had never smiled at me.

(c) J. Binford-Bell 2008
From that journal of long ago